Why We're Not Grateful Adoptees: A Critical Look at the Adoptee Experience

Introduction:

Adoption is a deeply personal and complex experience that impacts the lives of all those involved—adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents. While there is often an expectation of gratitude from adoptees, the reality is far from a one-size-fits-all narrative. In this thought-provoking episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, the hosts delve into the reasons why adoptees may not feel grateful and how the adoption community often overlooks their perspectives. From abusive experiences to lost identities and withheld information, this podcast highlights the importance of understanding the adoptee experience beyond the surface.

Understanding the Adoption Community:

Dr. Noelle begins the discussion by distinguishing between the adoption community and the adoptee community. The former encompasses adoptive parents, biological parents, and adoptees, while the latter specifically focuses on adoptees' experiences. Often, the adoption community expects adoptees to be grateful, appreciative, and silent about their struggles. Adoptees who express their discontent or share negative experiences are met with insensitive comments that fail to acknowledge their emotional journey.

The Nuances of Adoption Experiences:

The podcast hosts emphasize that while not all adoptions involve abuse or mistreatment, there are adoptees who have endured traumatic experiences within their adoptive families. They highlight the devastating stories of adoptees who have faced abuse, neglect, and even loss of life. Recognizing the range of adoption experiences is crucial in understanding why not all adoptees feel grateful for being adopted.

Challenging the Gratefulness Narrative:

Tosha shares her personal experience, acknowledging that her feelings of ungratefulness stem from her dark periods and internal struggles. She expresses her frustration at being labeled as ungrateful for a lifelong sentence of being an adoptee, dealing with unresolved questions about her identity and unshared family history.

Lia recounts her experience of enduring abuse within her adoptive family, including the added pain of not being believed. She questions why she should be expected to feel grateful when her adoption led to further suffering and confusion about her identity.

The Business of Adoption and Family Separation:

The hosts discuss the financial aspect of adoption, acknowledging that it is a business that involves monetary transactions. Lia questions the expectation of gratefulness when adoption often means family separation and emphasizes the importance of prioritizing family preservation instead. They explore alternatives to adoption, such as guardianship, and encourage a deeper conversation about the complexities of building families.

The Adoption Industry and Protection of Narratives:

Tosha reflects on how the preservation of the adoption industry often leads to the dismissal and silencing of adoptees' stories. She points out that the adoptee community has had to create its own safe spaces because mainstream adoption platforms rarely provide a supportive environment. Adoptees who share their experiences are met with resistance, as preserving the adoption industry becomes a priority over addressing the adoptees' needs.

The Expectation of Gratefulness in Reunion:

Dr. Noelle raises the issue of reunion and how adoptees are expected to be grateful for reconnecting with their biological families. She questions why reunion is presented as a gift, when in reality, it often involves navigating complex emotions, loss, and unanswered questions. The pressure to be grateful further dismisses the adoptee's grief and challenges their right to explore their own history.

Identity Challenges and Unfulfilled Expectations:

Tosha shares her experiences of having her identity constantly challenged, as new information emerges and previously held narratives unravel. She emphasizes that this constant uncertainty takes a toll and leaves adoptees questioning their sense of self. It highlights the importance of accurate information and support throughout an adoptee's life.

Conclusion:

The notion of adoptee gratitude is far from simple. This thought-provoking episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines delves into the lived experiences of adoptees who challenge the expectation of gratefulness. From abuse to lost identities and withheld information, adoptees face a unique set of struggles that are often overlooked. It is crucial for society to acknowledge and understand the complex reality of adoptees' lives, center their voices, and provide the support and resources necessary for their well-being. By doing so, we can move towards a more compassionate and inclusive adoption community that addresses the diverse needs and experiences of all involved parties.