Navigating Holidays as an Adoptee: Exploring Complex Emotions and Self-Care
Introduction:
Holidays can be a time of joy, celebration, and connection for many, but for adoptees, they often bring up complex emotions and challenges. In a recent episode of "Adoptees Crossing Lines," hosts Lia and Dr. Noelle delved into the unique experiences of adoptees during holidays. They shared their personal stories, shedding light on the struggles and reflections that arise during occasions like Father's Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even Gotcha Day. In this blog post, we'll explore their insightful conversation and gain valuable insights into navigating holidays as an adoptee.
The Complexity of Father's Day and Mother's Day:
Father's Day and Mother's Day can be particularly challenging for adoptees. Lia and Dr. Noelle shared their experiences and emotions during these holidays. Both expressed a sense of feeling fatherless and the difficulties they faced in navigating these occasions. Dr. Noelle shared her withdrawal from celebrating Father's Day, reflecting on her past performative gestures and the absence of genuine emotions this year. Lia, on the other hand, shared her journey of estrangement from her adoptive father and her growing curiosity about her biological father, despite the pain of abandonment. Both acknowledged the complexities of their feelings and the unique perspectives they bring as adoptees.
The Impact of Quiet Moments:
Quiet moments can be especially tough for adoptees during holidays. When everything settles down, and the thoughts and emotions surface, feelings of loneliness, grief, and loss may intensify. Lia candidly expressed how nights can be particularly challenging for her, as she feels alone with her thoughts. Dr. Noelle shared her own struggles with quiet moments, highlighting the anger and resentment that can resurface during these times.
The Commercialization of Holidays:
Lia and Dr. Noelle questioned the commercialization of holidays, especially Father's Day and Mother's Day. They emphasized the importance of celebrating healthy and nurturing relationships with parents, but also questioned the need for designated days to express such sentiments. The commercial aspect of these holidays, which often involves selling flowers and gifts, can overshadow the emotional significance for adoptees who may be navigating complex relationships.
Other Challenging Holidays:
Apart from Father's Day and Mother's Day, Lia and Dr. Noelle discussed the difficulties they face during holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Lia shared her struggle with Thanksgiving, which was a significant celebration in her adoptive family but became challenging when she distanced herself from them. Dr. Noelle revealed her experiences of canceled Christmases and the underlying darkness that accompanies the holiday season for her.
Navigating Birthdays:
Birthdays hold different meanings for adoptees. Lia expressed her journey of indifference towards her own birthday, while valuing the celebration of others. She also shared the pain of her adoptive father forgetting her birthday, highlighting the lasting impact it had on her. Dr. Noelle, on the other hand, emphasized her obsession with birthdays and her desire to celebrate her children's birthdays to make them feel seen, valued, and loved.
The Controversy of Gotcha Day:
In a candid and passionate exchange, Lia and Dr. Noelle discussed the controversial notion of Gotcha Day—a day commemorating the adoption of a child. They critiqued the concept, expressing their disbelief and disapproval of celebrating the day a child was "bought" or "acquired." They highlighted the narcissism, savior complex, and decentering of adoptees that can be associated with such a celebration.
Tips for Navigating Holidays:
Both Lia and Dr. Noelle provided insights and suggestions for adoptees and adoptive families navigating holidays. They emphasized the importance of recognizing and respecting the adoptee's emotions and autonomy. Adoptive parents were urged to be mindful of their child's grief and loss, allowing them to opt-out of celebrations if needed. Creating space for connection with biological family or commemorating their presence was encouraged. Checking in on the adoptee's mental health and ensuring their voice is heard and respected were seen as crucial steps toward creating a healthier holiday experience.
Conclusion:
Holidays can evoke complex emotions and challenges for adoptees, as highlighted by Lia and Dr. Noelle in their thought-provoking conversation. Their reflections shed light on the struggles adoptees face during Father's Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and even the controversial Gotcha Day. By understanding and empathizing with adoptees' experiences, adoptive families can work towards creating inclusive and supportive holiday environments. By prioritizing the adoptee's emotional well-being and honoring their autonomy, these celebrations can be transformed into more meaningful and inclusive experiences for all involved.